Christmas is for Cleaning

"A lady is one who never shows
her underwear unintentionally”


~Lillian Day~

After putting up the Christmas decorations last night, and trimming the tree, my thoughts began to wander to larger jobs around the house. No, not a larger job like a man-job. I don't have one of those around the house, so get your mind out of the gutter!!!

You know, the kind of jobs that get a home ready for company.  Part of my annual Christmas cleaning involves sorting through my son's room. What to keep, what to throw away, and what to get an injection for.  You see, clearing out his room before Christmas makes room for all of the new "stuff" that we will sort through next year at this time. Why break from tradition right?

As I tossed and turned trying to calm my mind last night and tempt sleep, I got to thinking that I really needed to sort through my stuff.  My bedroom has become a catch all sleeping chamber, love shack, library, dressing room and make-up studio. In other words it's starting to look a little bit like a corner variety store.

Where oh where can a girl find extra space? As I snuggled up in the darkness of my midnight room, I had a brilliant idea! I should go through my lingerie drawer. I mean, I have a dresser full of uunderwear/undergarments/and sexy things that are becoming  shall we say vintage.  Lingerie used to be as important to me as good tires and regular oil changes. In fact, it was often way more important than that.

Wrapped up alone in my bed last night, I actually giggled out loud about some of the stuff in that drawer. I always bought lingerie because it made me feel sexy. I used to wear thongs and pretty nylons to work under my serious black skirts. I would come home and change from my cotton, front clasp embalming bras into something sexy and lacy.  It just made me feel good. 

There was definitely some stuff that I bought strictly as shall I say play-clothes. Something a bit racy, daring, or to suit the flavour of the month. Those are the pieces that make me laugh out loud.  Red fetish? Something crotchless and spandex.....really?! Sheer and form fitting?  Navy blue? Lacy? Leatherish?

Let's face it ladies, we know what we're doing. We all have our standby day to day undies, and our ooh-la-la-get-your-giddy-up-on-cowboy pieces. Well, at least I used to. My giddy-up done got up and left somewhere between earning a living and perfecting technique....I mean, if you're good at what you do, you can get away with being less of a fashionista...if you know what I mean. That, and somehow over time, I've just lost my va-va-va-voom. I'm sure it's not buried too deeply and I may find it again. Maybe Santa will fill my metaphorical stocking with something va-va-va-voom worthy this year.

When my best friend gave me my hot pink feather boa, it actually brought a tear to my eye. I mean, in your late twenties, finding a best friend who actually knows you so well as to appreciate your need for a hot pink feather boa is like finding your platonic soul mate.  I don't know if I can possibly part with that boa.  It just kind of pulls any sleazy outfit together. One never knows when one may need a sleazy outfit, even if it's within your own four walls. Note here ladies, it should almost always only be within the privacy of your own four walls, or the hotel walls, or the four doors of your car....well, you get the picture.

Then there's the custom made corset.  Yes, velvet with clasps and ties and barely enough space to pack the girls in.  Imagine a mini-van bulging with as many kids as a school bus, and you get the visual of the  overflow in that little number. I bought that during a shopping trip with some of my single gal pals who said, "You HAVE to get that!". So I did. I wore it out only once under a very conservative a la cuff linked shirt, and constantly felt like I had to keep checking to see if my nipples were holding their own little side show.  I'm not sure the complimentary drinks were worth the self consciousness. Mind you, that little piece kind of pulls together a garter and stockings. I don't know if I can possibly part with that corset.

There was a period of time in my life when I held a rather active account with Victoria's Secret, and ordered my favourite bra and pantie sets in every colour, with every style of matching pantie.  They don't carry it any more, but the cherry blossom bra was a good friend of mine.  My cup runneth over, so they can go now.

My very favourite piece was and is the impeccably designed garter thong. By the time I was 15 years old, it was clear that my body and face would never grace any fashion runway, or the cover of Vogue. This garter thong though, well, all I can say is that it would make Santa's butt look absolutely scrumptious.  And so, I could never possibly part with that.

Besides, when I think of that thing, I think of planning a hot evening with my man-of-the-moment and getting all tangled up trying to get the garters done up in a bathroom stall. The only bathroom stall in the establishment. You see, I was going to surprise him. My man thought that I was dying of food poisoning in there, and the ladies waiting their turn were more than miffed. I of course was balancing from foot to foot trying not to fall in the toilet or touch anything while doing up real fish net garters.  He was surprised I spent almost twenty minutes in the bathroom, and was likely afraid to get too amorous in case whatever kept me in the powder room that long was contagious. 

Besides, when paired with some fishnets, that garter thong matches the gloves that I bought at the cute boutique in Paris.  The long ones that come up to my bicep, and tie at the top with the most delicate pink ribbon.  The ones I decided I would wear one very sexy night, but due to the champagne involved, I was too uncoordinated to tie the darn things up. Again, more giggles.

I have decided that anything crotchless or sequined can be tossed. If I have to unroll it like a pair of pantyhose, I'm not keeping it and likely would be horrified at the thought of wearing it again.

What I am keeping are all of my memories of the goofiness and fun I had shopping for each piece.  The giggles, the planning and plotting and storytelling that went down in the great society of girldom.  For years I kept the garter belt and stockings from my wedding day, and will never forget looking at my maid of honour; eyes wide in ernest insisting that we get out of the park where the photos were being taken because something was going drastically wrong with my underwear.  Somehow in all of the ups and downs of the photoshoot, my very pretty panties had relocated somewhere just below my bum and above my knee caps.

So, this holiday season ladies, if you already haven't, go through your girly bits, and smile at your memories. Better yet, as my good friend Terri once told me, "Go out and make your memories now (...and I"m not jus talking about your lingerie ladies...make some great Christmas memories this year!), because life is short."