Got Gratitude?

"Success is the ability to go
from failure to failure
without
losing your enthusiasm."
Author Unknown

PART I - The Fine Art of Bitching & Moaning

My friends all know me as a bit of a firecracker. Or, rather, have known me as a bit of a firecracker.....lately I've been more like a spitting fire - you know, the kind of campfire that sputters and spits just before dying a pathetic death under an assault of painfully tiny raindrops.

Where did it go, that joie de vivre that was untampable for so long? Has it dwindled in the wake of a turbulent life, flying by the seat of my pants from one moment to the next? Now that I'm calmer, more centered, dare I say even "stable", is there room for the fireworks any more?

All of the sudden, I'm grown up. I have a stable job that I'm actually good at, and I no longer scramble to prove myself. I've reached a stage (and age) where people seek me out for advice and guidance, and for my (LARGE gulp of sauvignon blanc here), reasoned approach....WHAT? Me?! Trishy McDishy? Trish the Dish? McDish....sought out for her ability to reason and find a solution. What the hell is going on with the world? Everybody take your portable toilets and can openers to the bomb shelter and pray for a halt on the apparent oncoming armageddon.

What's wrong with all of these people who need to talk to me?  Suck it up. Deal with it. Oh, for goodness sake, just make a decision and do it!  What an annoyance! I've explained this to them a zillion times!  I'm tired of doing it all by myself! How come I'm the one who has to do this? Doesn't anyone care about how I feel? I'm tired of....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah........I feel fat and old and frumpy, and nobody loves me. Na-na-na-na-boo-boo....

Funny how it's all part of a downward spiral? Defeating self talk. The mind natter of champions.

"Stress is when you
wake up screaming &
you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet."
Author Unknown

PART II - Overview of Things You May Not Want to Know About My Day

The fireworks have given way to days packed with tasks. The first one, always a good indicator that the day will be less of a period romance novel and more of a boring foreign flick with no plot; turn off the god-forsaken alarm clock (note to self - complain more about whoever invented that damn thing). Clean and dress thyself (very important not to skip this part).  Make breakfast, pack lunches, check homework, scold for homework not done, feed the cats, feed the bird,double check my first appointment/meeting time, double check I have my pants on (no kidding). And so the days go, Monday to Friday, January through to December 31, with the odd day or week off here and there.

Evenings run along the same schedule, arrive home, check for homework, clean up after the cats, clean up after the bird, open the bills, worry about having to pay them, after school snack, to the gym or to baseball practice or, or, or.....make dinner, do the dishes, return phone calls, do the laundry, clean the house, work some more from home, get food ready for the next day, tell my pre-teen to shower, tell my pre-teen to shower again, feign passing out as I sniff my pre-teens armpit and point emphatically toward the shower....

Somewhere in there, my fireworks have fizzled, been gagged by the damp ground and the drizzle of adult responsibility.  Every so often the spark gets oxygen, maybe at a meeting when  feel passionate, when I treat myself to a night out at a concert, or party, or, gawd-forbid my favourite thing....a night in with my partner - a bottle of wine or two (checking to make sure that I don't have my pants on).

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing
I know." E. Hemingway
By the way, check out Johnny in the white pants.
WOW! He's the only man on the planet that can
pull that look off without making me want to vomit.

PART III - What Keeps Me Afloat

Booze and Johnny Depp. No really - the end.  Ok, ok, booze and Johnny Depp when I'm in the deepest darkest pit of self-pitty-poop.  Just before I land there, one of my friends usually manages to throw down a safety rope with a glass of champagne or piece of chocolate attached, and pull me up out of the depths of my 9-5, 24/7, single parenting, paying-the-bills-alone-for-a-decade,wishing-for-romance-of-some-kind, pit of eternal bitching and moaning.

So, as you all know, as hard as I've tried, I am not an alcoholic, nor do I live on chocolate and wine. I've tried, and despite my attempts, it just didn't work for me. What - you may ask, has kept me healthily cynical, and spontaneous this long....well..YOU! You guys - the ones most likely reading this dirt I like to call entertainment. I have gratitude for you!!!

"I awoke this morning with
devout thanksgiving for my
friends, old and new."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

PART IV - What I'm Grateful For

Vicki - with her little surprises, and down on the ground commitment to treat me like a daughter. No one, since I have been a very little child has drawn a bath for me.  One day I arrived home after a long day at work, and even longer night at school. She had picked up my son from school (as she did every night when I had a class), fed him dinner, helped with homework, talked to him and made him feel special, and then cared enough to make me feel cared for above and beyond what she already had done for me.  As I slipped into the blissful warmth of the tub, she was driving herself home after her own very long day at work and babysitting.

Lisa - with her patient listening.  Holy smokes, she could quote every single complaint from part I of this diatribe.  She has known me since I was 12 years old, through my wildest, loneliest, scariest and joyous times. Believe me, it's been a wild ride!!! And get this - she still speaks to me!!!  She encourages those fireworks that she knows are still inside of me somewhere.  We have stuck together through first dates, breakups, university, college, weddings, funerals, divorces, babies, and a zillion sizes......my longest friendship.  It feels so good to have a, "remember when" friend.

Carrie - I say her name, and I laugh. She's like my little sister. I see in her some of the same characteristics that I have watched slowly disappear in me, and that helps keep the flame burning.  I love her uncensored talks, and that she's the only friend close to my age who  knows what it's like to be down and out. She too knows what it's like to be at the very bottom of the "Phuck-it-all" philosophy.  I've seen her struggle and thrive.  We've cried (and laughed even more) over boys. I was so proud of her on her wedding day. Now, every day I wait  to hear that she and baby-on-the-way are doing ok. She inspires me and scares the hell out of me all at the same time. We all need friends like that.

Mark - one of a few relatives that I actually like. What an amazing person.  I read his writing, and observe how he (as he puts it), "...shows up every day" in the world.  Conscious living isn't easy, but he balances it well, and is one of the strongest, most insightful men I know....and believe me, I've know a few...When he writes, "I love you Trish", it's the only family connection I have to that sense of unconditional love to which we instinctively all cling, regardless of the pain being members of a family exposes us to.

Jan -  she convinced me to read Harlequin novels and looks like a lady in plaid...a delicate dynamo! What would I do, and where would Andy and I be without our go-to-girl...a couch for a sick kid, and a real tea cup for the important visits...a true friend to the end this one...I admire her silent strength, her unflinching faith, and eye for interior decorating...thank you just doesn't begin to cover it....oh yah...salt beef and cabbage (that's right Jerry!!!)

Randy -the male version of me. "Oh for gawd's sake Trish- suck it up!".  I can now say, "Remember when..." to him, and we go back a decade now, remembering when.  We've worked together (not so successful!), and played together, and laughed our crazy heads off at how stupid we are sometimes.  He holds a mirror to my fireworks and I to his...and that's how our friendship helps to keep the other alive. Most of our conversations end in one of us laughing and hanging the phone up on the other. He also knows that nothing cures my hangovers like runny eggs, tomatoes and two aspirin.

.....and Andy,Tish, Kathleen, John, David, Barbara, Dwight, Diane, Stan, Lucy,Cindy, Cynthia, Jacques, Terri, Josee, Paul, Sandy, Leona, Todd ,Jim, Evan, Aunt Debbie, Aunt Penny, ...there is so much inspiration in the little ways of everyone around us - all of my colleagues who inspire me every day, my son's friends as I watch them grow, my clients, the rare relatives I keep in touch with....

Beyond good friends, wine and a hot soak, it's the divinity in the mundane that I'm most grateful for. And that divinity shines through every one of us...if we just have the courage to look down into that well of the deepest, darkest,self-pity-poop when the ones we love need it the most.