Toddlers and Other Annoying People

"When the toddler does something
 and there are consequences for his action
 civilization begins."
~Alicia Lieberman~ 

Every day I look forward to correspondence from my incredibly wise, hilarious and gorgeous cousin. We check in with one another, reflect on experiences, current events, spirituality and creativity. It's cool if we laugh or if we cry. I think we're kindred spirits. You might think we're a little bit nuts. That's ok. I think we're cool with that, right cousin?

My cousin, a few years younger than I am  is single with no children. He has yet to enter into the secret brotherhood of fathers club.  Today, while my head was wrapped in foils at the salon, I received the very best email of my week thus far.

Today my cousin, (let's give him a false name here, just for the sake of not over-using the phrase, "my cousin"-let's call him Daniel), told me about his afternoon at a coffee shop.  He was enjoying his time out, but somewhat overwhelmed by the people around him. No, he's not anti-social, quite the opposite.

Saturday or Sunday mornings I enjoy my own special time at my own special coffee spot with my very own special copy of the Globe and Mail. I totally get what Daniel was saying about being ambivalent in the presence of the activity and noise of other people. During my weekend newspaper reading and coffee drinking session, I enjoy being surrounded by other people. I enjoy being surrounded by other people that is, if they behave in a way that I find unobtrusive. This means no talking too loudly, sitting too closely, and absolutely no requests to move a chair or heaven-forbid-I-have-to-get-out-the-touch-my-newspaper-and-die-look, ask to read a section of my paper.  I like my newspaper in order. I like to think that no one else's  grubby paws have oiled up the places my hands will touch. Ooga booga.

I like to eavesdrop on conversations if I choose, but not be forced to hear one because the volume is inappropriate. I like to nod or say a quick, "good morning" to whomever I sit next to.  I don't like feeling obligated to hear about what someone is reading, being asked what I'm reading, or if I'm enjoying the weather. I like the idea that we can gather in a public space without being obnoxious or be forced to interact. Interaction optional. Coffee, news, intellectual thought without interruption welcome. Ahhh....life ain't easy being an idealist.

Relating completely to to the conundrum of being around people but not having to engage with them, I was happy to be sitting in the salon with my tinfoil baking blond streaks broiling on my head, blissfully alone.  I laughed when I read his question; why on earth would people bring their toddlers to a Starbucks?!

Instantly my memory took me back to my own experience of "mom with toddler" at Starbucks. I remembered my son at that age, being dragged along Saturday morning for my morning coffee.  One of my friends from a previous life came to mind - a very sweet man who very generously offered an afternoon of babysitting when I was in a pinch for child care. He picked my wide-eyed kindergarten aged son up at school, and promptly took him to Starbucks.  My son, thinking the attention combined with a public outing was fabulous, took advantage of a then-not-yet-father, and ordered an orange flavoured soda just before lunch time.

Guess what happened next? Yep. You got it. My little angel spilled his orange soda.  My friend bought him another one, and decided against the toddler-in-public adventure and brought him home (hopped up on sugar). This same friend was kind enough to keep us company on a walk one evening.  Again we ended up at Starbucks. That was about a year before the soda incident, diapers and a spilled hot chocolate may have been involved, but I'm a bit foggy on the details. It could be the ammonia residue from my visit to the salon. I do know that my son's behaviour was akin to that of a baby raccoon, hiding under tables and swinging on the chair legs.

The short answer to why people take their children to Starbucks Daniel, is that being stuck at home with miniature, intellectually impaired people with no control over their id or ego can drive an adult insane. Also, parents of toddlers rise for the day at almost the same time university students come in for the evening. By the time we see these little people at the cafe, they've had breakfast, messed up the house, been grocery shopping, had snacks and a nap. Oh yah, another reason; taking them out in public is how you train toddlers to behave in a socially acceptable manner.

I do not abide parents who use the excuse, "He/She's only 5", in response to their child picking at common dishes on a table with their fingers or not being able to use utensils.  This is lazy parenting. All parents must go through the humiliation of publicly socializing their toddlers, so they're not socially obtuse children, just (as I'm now finding out) as all parents must go through the humiliation of publicly re-socializing their teens so they don't become socially obtuse adults.

Believe it or not, I now feel nostalgic for the days when my son's head was just at the right height for patting when we bellied up to the barista bar.

When I see little ones tagging along with mom or dad on Saturday morning, or any other time for that matter, I'm filled with nostalgia.  I remember how the soft pudgy hand felt in my own, how my own son loved being able to choose his very own drink, and most of all, how his wide-eyed wonder at the world had the power to change my own perception.

I didn't have the luxury of reading my much cherished Saturday Globe and Mail in those days, but I'd give up my paper if I could have just one more day with my son, pudgy little legs dangling from the chair he struggled to climb up on, calling me mommy, and asking "why" about everything.

Instead of dreading the company of small children in social spaces now, (after all, toddlers are messy, noisy and unpredictable) I am completely entertained by them. As a matter of fact, that's one of the only things that can tear my attention away from Russell Smith's tongue-in-cheek men's fashion column. Toddlers package up the gift of  of young-mommy-memories now. Who knew that such annoying people could come bearing such priceless gifts? Maybe this weekend I'll talk to the guy who's always eyeing "my business" section. Just sayin'.